My sister-in-law sent me these!
A cowboy named Bud
A COWBOY NAMED BUD WAS OVERSEEING HIS HERD IN A REMOTE MOUNTAINOUS
PASTURE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN SUDDENLY A BRAND-NEW BMW ADVANCED OUT OF
A DUST CLOUD TOWARDS HIM!
The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to
a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get
an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
..
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and t he data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on
his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech
Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says
Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why
not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this
is a herd of sheep. .
Now give me back my dog.
Southern Baptist Woman
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and
taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out
of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward
and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. Well, the
gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked
the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part
of South Carolina
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and
suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern
womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School
class?"
Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn 't say much
until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and
asked, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday
School class if I did?"
Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car
and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local
Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already,
so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with,
"Ahhh .. mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then
and
there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning, after a wild and
passionate night of the most incredible sex and perversions imaginable,
the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Southern Belle lying
there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what
ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always
tell them, "You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
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